Ian Lang has one of the most legit manswer columns on the tubes. His post about the death of the strong silent type struck a chord:

In entertainment today, the iconic strong, silent type is still popular, but there is a growing trend toward “antiheros” who are anything but strong and/or silent. There was a great deal of talk a few years ago about the rise of the “beta male” (a term that makes me want to strangle a horse with my bare hands), and as a result, we got movies starring whiny people like Seth Rogen, Michael Cera and Justin Timberlake stepping outside the boundaries of the comedies that they should be confined to. I don’t know if it’s a case of art imitating life or life imitating art, but my guess would be the former. In a recent column entitled “The Four Worst Things about Writing for the Internet,” Dan O’Brien (one of the best online scribes of my generation) made an excellent point that the vastness of the internet means that an infinite number of media outlets are competing for a very finite number of consumers.

The world we live in grants us almost completely unfettered access to whatever information we seek. That’s great for us, but for the people supplying that information it means the competition for clicks (and any other form of audience interest) is ridiculously tough. The upshot is that competition for our attention amounts to a race to see who can generate the most controversial and sensational headlines and stories. While we’ll skip over a link that promises balanced coverage of a presidential debate, we will absolutely tune in to a television news story that talks about how Rick Perry supposedly called Mitt Romney a “bigamist Mormon queer.”

As for how this affects the strong, silent man, I think the media’s race for our attention has bled into our culture. It’s simply not en vogue anymore to not vocalize a polarizing opinion. Being strong and silent simply isn’t an option anymore, because that noise I mentioned earlier will drown you out.

I don’t know if this is the reason guys are talking a lot more these days—hell, I don’t even know if we are actually talking a lot more these days. But I do know that talking is a terrible idea when you’re looking to hook up. I can’t tell you how many times I have heard women go on about exes and obsess over that one, terrible thing: the guy who wouldn’t shut up.

The world has fed you a bunch of lies. They’ve told you chicks love to talk, chicks love a sensitive guy, blah blah blah. It’s bullshit man. When the world says women love a guy who knows how to talk, they mean a woman needs a guy who can listen and respond in a way that suggests he’s paying attention. Extra points if you can actually remember the information later. Sensitive means a guy who can guess her feelings without her saying anything. This only sounds difficult. Fem moodiness is hard to miss. Just pay attention man. That’s all you need. But this is all more advanced shit, you don’t need it on the first date.

Here’s what you do need to know right away: chicks don’t care. They want to have a good time. They want to have a conversation, maybe, but that involves repartee, not monologues about where you grew up and what you do for a living. Most chicks you meet at a club know the likelihood of a guy lying to them is high, so why should they pay attention? Yeah, yeah, you can get her an audition. Bullshit. Do yourselves both a favor and shut up. And whatever you do, don’t go all emo on her. That shit’s just stupid. I get that men have feelings, that’s cool. Feelings are to have, not to take out for show and tell, you dig? As much as chicks love the sensitive artist, they don’t really want to hear you cried watching the fucking Notebook.

Trust me, there’s a lot more you can do with that mouth. And that’s the shit she’ll remember the next day. The shit she will remember that she won’t laugh with her girlfriends about over lunch, specifically.

I’ve been on Google Plus a couple of weeks now and I’ve seen a handful of hot chicks turn off comments on their pics because of the avalanche of asinine comments pouring in from desperate dudes who don’t seem to know they can easily get free porn online. Don’t be like those guys man. It’s corny. Chicks hate that shit. Seriously, if chicks had a penny for every “ur hot” and “sexay” they received on the internet, they’d buy the internet and ban dudes.

Compliments aren’t that complicated. You just need to try a little harder. Don’t state the obvious. You’re hot. You’re sexy. You’re fine. Dayaummmm! All that shit’s gotta go. Same with that other bullshit, “you have beautiful eyes” and “your smile lights up the room” and “are you a model?” Seriously? How fucking lazy are you?

Personally, I think compliments are stupid. She may inspire some later on, but if I’m out and I see a chick a compliment is not the first word that’s gonna come out of my mouth. Chicks know the way this works. They know you’re giving her a line and hoping she will swallow it and come to bed. It makes the compliment seem cheap and self-serving—even if she really is hot, her dad stole the stars from the sky and put them in her eyes and her smile lights up the whole fucking universe, she knows it’s all talk to get in her panties. Chicks have a great way to retaliate. They smile, say thanks and then let the conversation go silent so you’re forced to speak again. And when you do, they look at you like, “ah ha! You don’t mean it! You just want to fuck me!” At that point, she’s on the defense, and you’re gonna have to try that much harder to score.

I mean, of course we just want to fuck them. But we need to work this so that it plays out Hollywood like. Chicks are natural for this town. They need stories to tell their girlfriends over cosmos. You’ve watched Sex and the City. They grew up with that shit. You need to give her a fucking story man, not a trite compliment she can shoot down. That’s not even something she’d share with her girlfriends. That’s worthless.

So I don’t do compliments. I go right for the gold. But this post isn’t about that. This is about compliments and apparently, you really want to know how to pay one. Fine. Watch her and think of something original about her. If you can’t think of anything and you really want to compliment her, tell her she looks elegant. “Elegant” is a great compliment to pull out of your ass. For starters, no one really uses that word any more. Second, no one thinks elegant when they see a hot piece of ass in a piece of cloth that barely covers her tits and ass. And that’s great because even though she’d dressed like a total ho, she really does want to be perceived as a lady. Don’t ask me, it’s part of the epic dichotomy that is being female (another part is wanting both an asshole and a sweet gentleman all rolled up into one. Yeah, chicks are not so much complex or confused as they are two warring factions).

So, yeah. Elegant works. Have you caught on yet? The best compliments are outright lies. “Do I look fat?” Hell no, you’re bringing back heroin chic! “Do I look like a whore?” You’re all class, baby!

Quit worrying about your junk, man. Listen, it’s not gonna get any bigger. You just gotta learn to work with it. Trust me, it’s not a deal-breaker for most of the chicks you’re going to end up bangin’.

If that’s not enough, get a load of this study by the National Academy of Surgery in France, the Country of Love: the average male penis is between 5.0 and 5.7 inches when it’s hard.

See? You’re fine.

1. Six Figures

She doesn’t want to hear about your job but she does need to know that you can provide the lifestyle she wants to live. Five figures is decent man, don’t get a complex. You can always make it look like you earn far more than you do by modifying a few wealth indicators.

Spend some money on decent clothes—thrift store goods may seem cool to you, but they scream poverty to chicks. Get to know some promoters to get into cool venues. Take care of your hair. Ditch the piercings. Ditch the shitty drugs and cheap booze. Never look at the tab when you’re paying. Tip decently. Upgrade your piece of shit phone and lease a nice ride.

Ditch the room mates. Spend some time thinking about your pad—there’s cool, affordable stuff to fill it all over this town. Don’t be lazy. Your place speaks volumes about you. Even if it’s not in the hot hood she imagined it would be, you can still impress with a clean, well-decorated space.

2. Six Feet

You gotta have some height. These chicks love their shoes, so if you can’t get the height you need, consider getting a pair of elevator shoes. Those things can add up six inches. I may have even seen them on Obama’s feet in a random White House twitpic, but don’t quote me on that. If you think this shit is crazy, remember the push up bra man. They cheat all the time, so why shouldn’t you?

3. Six-Pack

This one you’re going to have to work out for yourself. The good news is that even if you can’t hit the gym every day, you can still put your abs to work at home or at the office. It may seem like a lot of work just to get some chicks, but once you experience the difference you’ll be grateful. Chicks want nice guys, it’s true. And by nice, they mean “not fat.”

4. Six Inches

You can’t fix this, and don’t try to mess with your junk if it’s not more than six. There are all kinds of things you can do in bed to make her think you’re the best sex of her life.

First, forget all the shit you’ve ever seen in porn. Hit up one of those sex shops in Hollywood and talk to someone about stuff that makes women go nuts. Or go online and look for chick sex blogs, the most educational jacking off you’ll ever do. Go on Wikipedia and look at the vagina. Do whatever you have to do.

Then go over to the Screaming O or some other cheap online sex shop and drop a hundred on those $20 vibrating finger things. That’s good for five chicks right there. Get different colors if you plan to have different chicks on rotation. You don’t want to get that shit mixed up. Wash them with warm water and antibacterial soap after each use to avoid infections—don’t want to be remembered for that, man. Trust me. 

5. Six Months or Days or Hours

Your availability can change based on what you think a chick will dig. Holiday weekends are great to work the “gone in six hours” game. Chicks that seem to want something longer, on the other hand, need to think you’re going to be available until they decide otherwise, so don’t mention you have to skip town for work for several weeks until after she has decided you’re worth a roll in the hay then drop it on her like it’s a big surprise. Look pained. Enjoy the goodbye blowjob. Bring her back a trinket for a recap when you get back—nothing monogrammed or too personal in case she has moved on so you can give it to the next one if she’s a no show.

In response to a chick who posted on the New York City Craigslist board about how hard it was for her, a beautiful and articulate lady, to find a guy who made over $500,000 a year to marry her.

Dear Pers-431649184:

I read your posting with great interest and have thought meaningfully about your dilemma. I offer the following analysis of your predicament. Firstly, I’m not wasting your time, I qualify as a guy who fits your bill; that is I make more than $500K per year. That said, here’s how I see it:

Your offer, from the perspective of a guy like me, is plain and simple a crappy business deal. Here’s why. Cutting through all the B.S., what you suggest is a simple trade: you bring your looks to the party, and I bring my money. Fine, simple. But here’s the rub — your looks will fade and my money will likely continue into perpetuity … in fact, it is very likely that my income increases but it is an absolute certainty that you won’t be getting any more beautiful!

So, in economic terms, you are a depreciating asset and I am an earning asset. Not only are you a depreciating asset, your depreciation accelerates! Let me explain: you’re 25 now and will likely stay pretty hot for the next 5 years, but less so each year. Then the fade begins in earnest. By 35, stick a fork in you!

So in Wall Street terms, we would call you a trading position, not a buy and hold … hence the rub … marriage. It doesn’t make good business sense to “buy you” (which is what you’re asking) so I’d rather lease. In case you think I’m being cruel, I would say the following: if my money were to go away, so would you, so when your beauty fades I need an out. It’s as simple as that. So a deal that makes sense is dating, not marriage.

Separately, I was taught early in my career about efficient markets. So, I wonder why a girl as “articulate, classy and spectacularly beautiful” as you has been unable to find your sugar daddy. I find it hard to believe, if you are as gorgeous as you say you are, that the $500K hasn’t found you, if not only for a tryout. By the way, you could always find a way to make your own money and then we wouldn’t need to have this difficult conversation.

With all that said, I must say you’re going about it the right way. Classic “pump and dump.” I hope this is helpful, and if you want to enter into some sort of lease, let me know.

Moral? Pump and dump, boys.