1. Six Figures

She doesn’t want to hear about your job but she does need to know that you can provide the lifestyle she wants to live. Five figures is decent man, don’t get a complex. You can always make it look like you earn far more than you do by modifying a few wealth indicators.

Spend some money on decent clothes—thrift store goods may seem cool to you, but they scream poverty to chicks. Get to know some promoters to get into cool venues. Take care of your hair. Ditch the piercings. Ditch the shitty drugs and cheap booze. Never look at the tab when you’re paying. Tip decently. Upgrade your piece of shit phone and lease a nice ride.

Ditch the room mates. Spend some time thinking about your pad—there’s cool, affordable stuff to fill it all over this town. Don’t be lazy. Your place speaks volumes about you. Even if it’s not in the hot hood she imagined it would be, you can still impress with a clean, well-decorated space.

2. Six Feet

You gotta have some height. These chicks love their shoes, so if you can’t get the height you need, consider getting a pair of elevator shoes. Those things can add up six inches. I may have even seen them on Obama’s feet in a random White House twitpic, but don’t quote me on that. If you think this shit is crazy, remember the push up bra man. They cheat all the time, so why shouldn’t you?

3. Six-Pack

This one you’re going to have to work out for yourself. The good news is that even if you can’t hit the gym every day, you can still put your abs to work at home or at the office. It may seem like a lot of work just to get some chicks, but once you experience the difference you’ll be grateful. Chicks want nice guys, it’s true. And by nice, they mean “not fat.”

4. Six Inches

You can’t fix this, and don’t try to mess with your junk if it’s not more than six. There are all kinds of things you can do in bed to make her think you’re the best sex of her life.

First, forget all the shit you’ve ever seen in porn. Hit up one of those sex shops in Hollywood and talk to someone about stuff that makes women go nuts. Or go online and look for chick sex blogs, the most educational jacking off you’ll ever do. Go on Wikipedia and look at the vagina. Do whatever you have to do.

Then go over to the Screaming O or some other cheap online sex shop and drop a hundred on those $20 vibrating finger things. That’s good for five chicks right there. Get different colors if you plan to have different chicks on rotation. You don’t want to get that shit mixed up. Wash them with warm water and antibacterial soap after each use to avoid infections—don’t want to be remembered for that, man. Trust me. 

5. Six Months or Days or Hours

Your availability can change based on what you think a chick will dig. Holiday weekends are great to work the “gone in six hours” game. Chicks that seem to want something longer, on the other hand, need to think you’re going to be available until they decide otherwise, so don’t mention you have to skip town for work for several weeks until after she has decided you’re worth a roll in the hay then drop it on her like it’s a big surprise. Look pained. Enjoy the goodbye blowjob. Bring her back a trinket for a recap when you get back—nothing monogrammed or too personal in case she has moved on so you can give it to the next one if she’s a no show.