I’ve been on Google Plus a couple of weeks now and I’ve seen a handful of hot chicks turn off comments on their pics because of the avalanche of asinine comments pouring in from desperate dudes who don’t seem to know they can easily get free porn online. Don’t be like those guys man. It’s corny. Chicks hate that shit. Seriously, if chicks had a penny for every “ur hot” and “sexay” they received on the internet, they’d buy the internet and ban dudes.

Compliments aren’t that complicated. You just need to try a little harder. Don’t state the obvious. You’re hot. You’re sexy. You’re fine. Dayaummmm! All that shit’s gotta go. Same with that other bullshit, “you have beautiful eyes” and “your smile lights up the room” and “are you a model?” Seriously? How fucking lazy are you?

Personally, I think compliments are stupid. She may inspire some later on, but if I’m out and I see a chick a compliment is not the first word that’s gonna come out of my mouth. Chicks know the way this works. They know you’re giving her a line and hoping she will swallow it and come to bed. It makes the compliment seem cheap and self-serving—even if she really is hot, her dad stole the stars from the sky and put them in her eyes and her smile lights up the whole fucking universe, she knows it’s all talk to get in her panties. Chicks have a great way to retaliate. They smile, say thanks and then let the conversation go silent so you’re forced to speak again. And when you do, they look at you like, “ah ha! You don’t mean it! You just want to fuck me!” At that point, she’s on the defense, and you’re gonna have to try that much harder to score.

I mean, of course we just want to fuck them. But we need to work this so that it plays out Hollywood like. Chicks are natural for this town. They need stories to tell their girlfriends over cosmos. You’ve watched Sex and the City. They grew up with that shit. You need to give her a fucking story man, not a trite compliment she can shoot down. That’s not even something she’d share with her girlfriends. That’s worthless.

So I don’t do compliments. I go right for the gold. But this post isn’t about that. This is about compliments and apparently, you really want to know how to pay one. Fine. Watch her and think of something original about her. If you can’t think of anything and you really want to compliment her, tell her she looks elegant. “Elegant” is a great compliment to pull out of your ass. For starters, no one really uses that word any more. Second, no one thinks elegant when they see a hot piece of ass in a piece of cloth that barely covers her tits and ass. And that’s great because even though she’d dressed like a total ho, she really does want to be perceived as a lady. Don’t ask me, it’s part of the epic dichotomy that is being female (another part is wanting both an asshole and a sweet gentleman all rolled up into one. Yeah, chicks are not so much complex or confused as they are two warring factions).

So, yeah. Elegant works. Have you caught on yet? The best compliments are outright lies. “Do I look fat?” Hell no, you’re bringing back heroin chic! “Do I look like a whore?” You’re all class, baby!